Volcanic Eruptions

Sore

my whole body is sore. I slept all day (night) on Thursday and friday and if I wasnt sorer each day I would think it was from sleeping so much. It makes motivation near impossible. Off to bring the kids to school, then home to sleep. hehe.

antimotivational

thats what I feel like. I cant move. my body is tired and I cant seem to bring myself to do anything. I dont know how it comes, the tiredness and lack of motivation makes me depressed. or is it that Im depressed and thats just why I feel like this. I kept hoping I was just getting sick, but Im not. I feel fine, just tired. its been grey out so I was getting into it, but its the 3rd day and its nice out si I need to stop the madness!!! nice day out, we are going to goto the library for story hour later, so I dont have to get depressed about torturing my kids with hanging out at the house. maybe Ill garden this morning, oh oops morning is gone, its 10:30. I wish I could get up earlier, I get up pretty early - i guess I meana I wish I could motivate earlier.i sit on my ass and have coffe in news for 2 hours. 1 hour is completely sufficient. get up

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screw the library we're going back to Umpachene!!!

Still Crazy after all these Years

Im actually feeling .5% better, but I think its amazing how many songs have crazy in the title. Is it that Love makes you crazy (and allot of songs are about love,huh?) or is it that most artists have a bit of iinsanity under their belt. I started taking Lithium again. My energy level is low today, but Im giving myself a break, we went grocery shopping but that ALL Ive done all day. Well, I read allot of Stiener and Montessori stuff. Sometimes (like now) I feel way underqualified to be teaching my kids, I read about a Waldorf weekend intensive on early childhood education, but I know Ill end up totally brainwashed. DOnt get me wrong, I like allot Waldorf stuff, I just also have reservations about parts and I think they're good reservations.
go put the groceries away!

crazy for you

I feel like every moment is complete fakery. Im the BEST actress there is. So glad I had that young training. 1 minute Im screaming (to the whole neighborhood) that I hate this pain and I wish I were dead and 5 minutes later I see my neighbor and tell her everything is 'fine', I just had a 'moment'. Lucky for me my neighbors all have their moments too! I dont know how I can pretend everything is fine when it so obviously isnt, and yet the pretending is what gets me through sometimes. Like if I pretend it long enough Ill be ok. We all know thats not really how it works. And then I think about it and everything IS fine. Except for my mental-ness there isnt anything wrong. Lee treats me well, my marriage is good, we're happy in it(or at least I am), my kids are nice, my best friend ever lives next door. 2 other good friends just moved back into the area, money is about to be made from summer. All these good things really just make me feel guilty for not being peachy and keen about life in general. But for some reason Im just real fucked up in the head and I
hate it.
not fair ( i may have mentioned that)
I dont want to hurt myself, and yet the emotional pain is so much worse.
does this make sense? I dont understand how a person could feel so much inside, so much pain and frustration.....and yet I am that person. I feel it one day and the next day I cant even put myself in that position. I dont have sympathy for me, I dont understand how some one could injure themselves, until im ramming my head into the wall.
I went out with Malika tonight. That was fun, I forgot my agony for the moment. I bowled, i really enjoy bowling (dont tell anyone).
I know depressions coming so Im not sure why Im suprised when I feel the glimpses. Im not scared of depression like I am of the manic. depression is somewhere I hurt myself, but manic is somewher I hurt everyone and that I cant accept. I havent been manic like that in almost 2 years but I still fear that point of no return.
cheery night, no?

Crazy for Trying....

Bipolar 1 Disorder, Mania Manic Disorder - New Treatments, March 2, 2004
I really think I forgot that I was BiPolar. I had a beautiful 3+ months of nice rational feelings. Then it started creeping back, and then I stopped actupuncture...BAM! "here's Johnny" Pictueing Jacks twisted smile). And I really forgot, I was in a dream of how I imagine other people feel and now Im all crazy again. I think its really unfair.
and thats all I have to say about that

Whats for Dinner, and stuff

I made shepards pie. I used onions, white wine and garlic and tomato paste to season the meat, then I mixed the corn and cheese together and layer, then garlic mashpotaoes with cream and butter. all sorts of yummy badness.
i rarely cook, and this stuff happen to be in the freezer/cab inet/freezeer. Its a 'were to poor to go shopping' meal. i enjoy cooking that way..Lee has to spend $$$$ galor to cook, but its caterer/high class resturaunt grade.

I like adding ornge juice to things, it adds a level of flavor..Wine, liquer, fruit juices, tomtoeds, liquidy stuff, they make the meal moist and yummy.

I have been feeling manic for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. I think its because I woke up at 3 am the other day, then worked and was up for 20 some hours straight. Since then I have been "on go'. I got allot done on the house, so thats good. i got my period so maybe I wont be PMSy any more. Im disappointed though, I went so long with NO SYMPTOMS. Life is struggle ya know?

We went to the river for the first time today, This is a place we go almost everyday in the summer. It was nice. My bus is fitting my summer motif (of life)

My life

My 4 year old told me today that she hated me - I flew off the handle, it was all over her nor wearing a pair of pants under her sisters party dress. Ok I think Ill be able to deal with I hate you when she has a BAD boyfriend or I confiscate her drugs...but wearing pants in the winter - sorry but thats just sensible. So I lost it. I told her I could give her up for adoption or move away and leave her with her dad. definitely selfish and hurt talking. BAD MOMMY. but like you said, Im delicate, they cant understand that!?
Im having wicked cycles - it started witha 2 day cycle and has emerged (in a week and ahalf) into 15-20 minuted cycles. Im hopeless, nothing seems to help and Im all over the place. DH says I may need to get away .....

That just seems unfair, I get a weekend in the Caribbean cause Im a non-handler.

blahblahblah

thanks for all your good thoughts and wishes. Today is better.

What If

Ive heard it said that you choose your lot in life because its as much (and not more) than you can and need to handle and deal with. Well what if you cant. What if your pure self that made that choice was wrong. Or what if your only meant to do certain things...give brith to people who will go on to fullfill a different destiny. What if your life is suposed to be a lesson to all those around you that this isnt a joke. That Mental Illness is something that can take over your soul, it can make you go against everything you believe. Whether it be stealing things, sleeping around, cutting yourself, self injury in general, buying things when you have no money, dying when there are people who love you that need you, but doing it anyway because it hurts, it hurts like bleeding out of your eyes, on outpouring of the very life inside you. Because your chemically complelled to do these things....THERE IS NOT A CHOICE....you can choose to seek professional help. that has left me with no hope, no matter who I goto for help - there isnt anything that works. Ive been on 8 different medications, nutritional diets, supplements. I dropped WAY more then half my work load and I am still insane. Where do you go from there. what do you do from there. What do you do when your back breaks from the burden of a life overwhelmed by passions you cant understand, and the feeling of your stomach trying to jump out of your abdomen and start a fire.
If I make it to next week then ill be fine, even if its just for a moment or two.

I guess Im a glutten for Punishment, cause here I am....still breathing

Death

deathawaits me with his hand exoended.
Bekoning me to come with him, promises
Promises of escape from
from the pain of living
from the hell that I live everyday on this earth
fighting to stay alive for the people who love me
for my children who need me.
what about me.
what about the cruelty it is to expect me to endure
the horridness of my innerstruggle to stay alive for everyone else.
When all I want to do is die.
I just want it to end.