Volcanic Eruptions

blahs

I am so freaking down. Im on the anti-mania pills Seoquel and its nicely taking the irittability away but its leaving me completely low. I did try cutting back a bit in hopes that a bit of up mood would sneak in, but all that happened was I got nasty to the kis and lee, well everyone really. Now the kids are fighting and screaming and I dont care, I just want to go back to sleep. I slept all day yesterday and all day today...I havent taken a nap in 4 years, so Im figuring I might be depressed. Im a manic blgger, with out manic no bloggy for me.

irritable mood syndrom

I suffer and so does everyone around me. Its part of the fun of the mixed state in bipolar. Depressed is so much better than this.
This says

"When symptoms of mania and depression are present at the same time it is referred to as a mixed state. The symptom picture frequently includes agitation, trouble sleeping, significant change in appetite, psychosis, and suicidal thinking. Depressed mood accompanies manic activation."

Mixed states are believed to be under-recognized by mental health professionals, with approximately 40% of manic episodes having prominent depressive elements. Studies have shown that suicidal thoughts are greatly increased in people in the midst of a mixed state, and the presence of manic activation means a greater risk that these people will have the energy and motivation to carry out their suicidal plans.

Symptoms during a mixed state can vary, but most individuals experience a full range of both depression and irritable mania symptoms. The deep despair and hopelessness of depression often occurs simultaneously with the increased energy, and impulsivity seen in mania. Thoughts often race as in a manic episode, but the content is often dark and full of pessimism, worry, guilt, and self-hatred. Anxiety is also often a prominent feature of mixed mood states, evidenced by an increase in panic attacks and compulsions. Many persons with bipolar disorder describe mixed episodes as feeling much worse than either mania or depression alone.

trip to the ER

SO that sucked! i just spent 2 hours at the emergency room cause my eye is fucked. I guess I have a set of small scratches in the lower left corner of my left eye. It hurts so bad and is watering like niagra falls. they did that weird florescent light/eye drop thing and the Dr was really cool and let me look at my eye with it all in there - its so cool, its like black light eyes all green and black. Between the Siatica and the eye thing I hurt allot. boo hoo.
BUT Lee got me Sushi and my Golf gets a whole new front end tomorrow - woohoo!

much ado about nothing

I havent been posting much lately. I like to blame it on summer, but its probably more that Im depressed. Im unmotivated. Im miserable and crankyand mean. I have no car and no money. I am pretty happy about my lack of working though! I now rotate and work friday/tues every other week. Its kinda funny though cause it tool me a few weeks to realize that Im actually pretty damn good at housekeeping and cooking! All I had to do was quit the 3 other jobs I have! I feel bad for me, thinking I could do all those things, keep a house, be a good mom, homeschool on top and not be totally fucking nuts! But the unfortunate thing is that I'm still fucking nuts! the weather looks nice so far today, i wonder what we'll do!?

AARRGGHH

excerp from personal email concerning my ASSHOLE acupuncturist and shit....

"Oh Sue is was fucking horrible! He totally berated me, saying that I need to 'step back from my feelings' and 'put my family and my affect on them before myself' (if I did that I wouldnt spend $50 and hour on his sorry ass) He was basically like 'buck up and be a man' but in a 'find the inner calm of the universe' way. then he went on about how awesome he was at doing this. I just kept thinking "I wish this guys wife was here" cause the discussion started cause I said I was short with the kids and feeling frustrated but the house and overwhelmed by responsiblities, like working 2 fucking jobs homeschooling cleaning PARENTING, blah blah blah. Then he sticks me full of needles, Im shocked and about to cry, stcks me full of needles and leaves me there to BOIL for 45 minutes at how I hate him, THEN he comes in and (sort of but not really) apologtically says," of course, because of your imbalance, overcoming your tendencies to indulge your feelings will take alot more willpower then someone with out, you have mountains where others have molehills" Yeah NO FUCKING SHIT BUDDY. So Being able to step back and KNOW that this guy is an egomaniacal asshole and knowing that the urge to put a nail gun to my forearm isnt just me indulging my feelings.
so thats the short version, in the end I said NOTHING, adn of course Im kicking myself HARD"

time to get a new acupuncturist

Sick and Tired

I am sick and tired of being sick. Ithink this tooth thing is messing up my overall health. Ive been slightly sick since this pain started, and now I feel like my whole body is fallling apart. My throat is sore, my tooth/head is throbbing, I think Im getting a bladder infection; or just wicked dehydrated from pin meds, which I HATE taking, but I hat ethe pin and by non - 2 I just cant take it anymore. So stuff sucks, were broke as a result of my stupid mouth so I cant even skip out on work.. SO complain compain complain.
In other pending news we're so broke at my office that I havent gotten paid in 2 weeks and probably wont for another 2 or 3. That sucks but Im looking forward to buying ThiS,and what Im going to do with that involves a whole 'nother post entirely.

Vaccinations

Mercury in Flu Shots
they are now suggesting the flu shot be given to infants.. after all that work to get mercury out of the othyer vax!

ok this is ridiculous

Im so tired of all this shit.
Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. I need a root canal, badly
My tooth hurts so bad (and they give you nitrous) so I'm actually looking forward to it.
My throat still hurts and Im still all mucousy and its been at least 2 weeks. I havent smoked anything but it feels like I smoked too many cigarettes the night before.
My back is seriously FUCKED UP, for almost a month now. It actually feels 13% better, which only means that I can almost turn over without crying out at night.
and lastly I had a huge stress blister on my lip that has now transformed into a big dried cracking scab on my face. really lovely.

So thats all the stuff that sucks about my body it needs to be nicer to me, Im being nice to it.
I take my supplements everyday damnit!!!

oops I linked it again

the link in HORRIBLE works now so really check it out.

In other news I feel like fucking shit. Not smoking is bringing up all sorts of mucousy shit. My tooth is killing me. I have hd deserted by my husband dreams for 3 nights in a row and he says this is as a result of my own depression. Whatever. Im taking my supplements regularly and Im about to email Suess to tell her to take hers.....so shell remind me tomorrow.
good day vibes all around

tooth pain

AAAHHH my tooth hurts - I need pain killers!!!!
i will go get some now - thank you.